Charlie: Whoa, do not tell Mom about this nomination.
Alan: Why? It's a good thing.
Charlie: It doesn't matter. If it's a good thing, she'll find a way to make it bad.
Alan: Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
Charlie: Oh, really? Let's try a little experiment. I'll pretend I'm Mom, you tell me something good.
Alan: Uh, all right, um... Hey, Mom, I have discovered a cure for cancer.
Charlie (as Evelyn): Very nice. Shame you couldn't do it in time to save Uncle Walter's left testicle.
Charlie: Come on, give me another one.
Alan: No, I get the idea.
Charlie: No, no, no. Hit me.
Alan: Okay, um...Gee, Mom, it really is a beautiful day, huh?
Charlie: Try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut.
Alan: Okay, um...I adore my son.
Charlie: Somebody has to.
Alan: How about friendship?
Charlie: How about Judas?
Charlie: Communable disease.
Alan: You win.
Alan: Leave me alone.
Charlie: You're already alone. Your wife threw you out, remember?